Fear factor

Two nice things happened to me today.

First, Peanut and I spent the afternoon at a friend’s house. She’s the mum of a couple of children at nursery with Peanut and she’s lovely. We’re very similar sometimes and I think that’s how we came to be friends in the first place.

Second, I’ve been home alone this evening and have just finished watching one of my favourite films for the first time in years: Good Will Hunting. Not only is Matt Damon cute and vulnerable, but also the dialogue is just lovely. I am total sucker for some of the monologues in this film.

Here are two of my favourite quotes:

‘You’ll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you’re afraid to take the first step because all you’re seeing are the negative things that might happen ten miles down the road.’

‘He pushes people away before they have the chance to leave him. And for twenty years he’s been alone because of that.’

I think the reason I like the dialogue is because of how I relate to it. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt alone, even in a room full of people [sometimes more so in a room full of people]. I don’t know if it began as a conscious choice or if it’s just how I turned out.

I remember being completely shy as a little girl and I think I only ‘grew out of it’ when I started work - an environment where you have to get over it and talk to people or you get nowhere. Underneath my work bravado though remains the same shy little girl. The girl, safe in her own company, who spent hours alone in her room writing about the life she hoped for when she grew up.

While I will now talk to anybody, I still believe people tolerate me rather than want to be with me. That people will move on and leave me. That if I dare to open up, I’ll be let down. Will Hunting refers to it as attachment disorder and fear of abandonment. Maybe that’s true but I like to think underneath it all I’m just a girl who wants to be accepted.

That’s why today was nice. I finally dared to ask someone if they wanted me to visit and they did. I enjoyed having someone to listen to my rambling hopes and dreams and I hope I can equally be there for them.

If I achieve nothing else in 2008 [well, apart from conceiving Baby Number 2] I hope I finally grow up and take care of my friendships.