To blog or not to blog

that is the question.

I’m not sure I should carry on with my blog. Why, you may ask?

Well...

My husband reads my blog, which means I can’t always say everything I would want to say if it really were my journal.

My friend reads my blog, and when we meet up she already knows what’s been going on in my life.

Historically, I’m a quitter. I quit ballet, horse riding and brownies when I was little. I paid a full year at a gym but didn’t go beyond the induction. Actually, I’m such a quitter I'm not sure how I’ve managed to stay married and in my job for the past nine years!

I’m really fighting the urge to quit this right now.

I began to feel as if I spent more time writing about my life than actually living it.

I began to resent feeling compelled to post every night because that’s how I started and I felt any less would look to be slacking.

So. I cut back to every other night, which was better, but I still have the urge to quit.

There are millions of blogs out there and I just don’t think I have enough to say that’s any different.

On the flipside, I think if I were pregnant right now I would be fine as I think it would be really nice to record the whole experience.

I also think if I didn’t work full time I would feel better about posting as it wouldn’t get in the way quite like it does now. Right now we put Peanut to bed, eat dinner and then I sit with the laptop attached to me. It’s not exactly romantic and conducive to baby making if you know what I mean.

And then this morning, because I guess I’ve had a few days to myself, I found myself thinking of things I wanted to say.

Maybe that’s it, maybe I just need to blog without obligation, as Huckdoll would say.

Maybe I need my blog to be for me. Or maybe I quit the race and just enjoy being a part of everyone else’s journey.

Birthday Eve

I’m really excited. I have three whole days off work. Which, when you tag on the weekend, is really five. FIVE whole days. Yippee!

Today was supposed to be a total ‘me’ day. I was going to drop Peanut at nursery, even though I didn’t really need to, and head out for a serious dose of West End shopping. All by myself.

How amazingly luxurious would that have been. I mean, I would actually have been able to saunter around perusing the racks until I found something I liked, instead of my usual grab and run.

So that was my plan, unfortunately Peanut thought of a different one.

Both Monday and Tuesday evenings Peanut has been a horror. Screaming, crying and misbehaving from pick up to bedtime. So, last night I decided I would keep her out of school and take her shopping with me. Hmm.

This morning she was still really grumpy and I just couldn’t face it, I knew it would be a disaster waiting to happen. An hour travelling by tube either way and an intensely busy city where she would need to be on the tightest of leashes to ensure I didn’t lose her. All of which would probably cause her to self-destruct.

So, no surprises when I tell you I decided against it. Thankfully for me husband has gallantly said I can shop on my birthday instead. All three of us are heading in to town tomorrow. I’m going to hit up the flagship stores for both Topshop and Zara [the bigger the better to give me the greatest selection of belly covering items to choose from!].

At husband’s suggestion we’re also going to give a Bugaboo a once over. I know, I can hardly believe he suggested it either!

And if I’m a really lucky girl we’ll go to the National Portrait Gallery to check out the Vanity Fair exhibition. Shopping and celebrity photos, what more could a superficial girl want.

Pick me up

I don’t want to write a ‘woe is me’ post, I really don’t. But at the same time it would be false of me to pretend everything in my head is fine and dandy.

So what’s wrong? Well, truthfully, nothing major. Just a bunch of little things that mean I’m beating myself up, and then down again.

It’s my birthday this coming week; I’m going to turn 34 on Thursday. I don’t like it much as a number and I certainly don’t want to be associated with it.

It feels like only a blink ago I was 25, fresh home from Australia, falling in love, planning a wedding, making babies, oh and of course, spending money for England.

So where am I now? Old, unattractive, too fat for my clothes, without money to buy any new ones and really hoping to get pregnant but so far not succeeding. Like I said, woe is me.

My mind has been filled of late with silly thoughts like these:

Am I too old to be wearing a hoodie? Why am I even wearing a hoodie? Cheap and warm would be the answer to that.

Why do I feel like I’ve lost my game? Actually I can answer that too. I’ve lost my game because I can no longer afford to play. In a world where image matters I can no longer afford to participate. The irony is that I can’t afford to play anymore because in my twenties I played the game a little too hard and now it’s biting me on my fat, old, ugly ass.

I also had a dream the other night about Milo Ventimiglia [being representative of men my own age-ish]. He didn’t even notice me. I mean, why would he notice a past her prime mother with bad hair when he’s dating an 18 year old?

So anyway, as I see it I have two choices: I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can do something about it all.

How you look affects your self esteem, there’s no escaping it, so I’m going to choose the latter. As my birthday [usually] falls on the last day of February I have a tendency to consider March 1st as my second chance at resolutions. It is, after all, the first day of my very own New Year and that’s good enough for me. It means I get to start over on the resolutions I made in January that haven’t really stuck.

With that in mind, I went out for a walk this afternoon. On my own! Peanut was at MIL’s causing a riot with her cousins and husband was snoozing. I think I needed that hour to myself. Just me and my iPod, walking through town with the fresh winter breeze in my face, blowing all my cobwebs away.

It felt good. Just the pick me up I needed.

My Valentine

I saw this Q and A on Latte Mommy the other day and she kindly said within her post, despite it being a meme, anyone could give it a go. In honour of it being Valentine's Day today I wanted to be all romantic and take a walk down memory lane. And a lovely walk it was. I also wanted to post during my working day [ssshhh, don't tell my boss!] so that I'm not glued to my Mac tonight at home!

1. Where/how did you meet your husband?

We met through work back in 2000. Our companies merged, and as part of the integration they took us all away for an overnight trip to ‘bond’. He was dressed up as David Beckham and I was Wednesday Adams [well, I had two plaits in my hair, a black shirt dress with the buttons open to the top of my legs and knee high boots, so I was more a naughty school girl!]. Let’s just say we bonded!

2. How long have you known each other?

We met in September 2000 so it’s coming up for eight years.

3. How long after you met did you start dating?

Instantly. The day after our ‘away day’ we returned home: him to his mum, me to my parents. He promised he’d call on the Sunday afternoon but half of me didn’t believe he would, though call he did. And from what I’ve heard, it seems he spent all day Saturday talking to his family about how ‘he’d met a girl’. Very sweet.

4. How long did you date before you were engaged?

Seven months. We got engaged midway up the Spanish Steps in Rome the following April. It was quite late at night after being out for dinner so we were alone [if you’ve ever been to Rome you’ll know what I mean, during the day would have been very different!].

5. How long was your engagement?

A year and a bit. We either wanted to get married in September or April [when we met and when we got engaged]. The first September was only a couple of months away and that felt too soon, the following April wasn’t going to work for someone who I wanted to travel from Australia so September the following year it was .

6. How long have you been married?

Six years in September.

7. What is your anniversary?

September 15th. Exactly two years to the day after we met.

8. How many people came to your wedding reception?

A little over 30. We wanted to keep it very small and only have our favourite people there.

9. What kind of cake did you serve?

We had a light fruit cake which was made from a hundred year old secret recipe. MIL’s cousin had her wedding cake made by the same people about 30 years earlier so it felt right. It was covered in simple ivory icing with real rose petals strewn around. It was yummy.

10. Where was your wedding?

We were married in a tiny hamlet in the Cotswolds, a really picturesque part of England. The ceremony took place at 4pm, and after Champagne and a few photos we sat down for dinner, speeches and then music. I think we were back in our suite by midnight.

11. What did you serve for the meal?

Our wedding was on a Sunday so our main course was a traditional roast beef dinner of the highest quality. It was mouth-wateringly delicious. We had a soup to start and apple tarte-tatin for dessert. I wanted it to be really simple and wholesome, as I love traditional English food, and this was a lovely way to serve the best of it.

12. How many people were in your bridal party?

Only one, my best friend from back in Australia.

13. Are you still friends with them all?

Yes but I’m rubbish at keeping in touch and owe her an email.

14. Did your spouse cry during the ceremony?

Neither of us did, though I nearly cried and wanted to throw up just before walking in. During the ceremony I gripped his hand for dear life and then as soon as it was over I felt like I could breathe again. Nothing like a room full of people staring at you to make you nervous!

15. Most special moment of your wedding day?

I think after signing the register, and heading out into the sunshine for photos, I started to relax and enjoy the day. The most special moment for me was the amazing release; and the realisation that after months of planning and anxiety we could finally relax, enjoy ourselves and feel amazingly close and bonded by our vows.

16. Any funny moments?

Our photographer wasn’t your standard wedding type, he was more used to shooting celebrities and advertisements, but he did a great job of adding a fun spirit to it all. When he appeared out of a window at the very old stately home [now hotel] to take an elevated group shot was very funny, and took the edge off the formalities.

17. Any big disasters?

Not that I can remember. Even my MIL and FIL tolerated each other for the day and they were our biggest worry in the build up.

18. Where did you go on your honeymoon?

Jimbaran Bay, Bali. Heaven.

19. How long were you gone?

Two and a half glorious weeks. For the first few days of our honeymoon we were still walking around with a nip to our pace - we referred to it as our London walk. By the end of our time on the island we had definitely wound down and slowed to the Bali pace of life. Why can’t every day be a Bali day?

20. If you were to do your wedding over, what would you change?

Probably my hair.

In retrospect I think I would have worn it loose and softly waved instead of poker straight. I think I would have also kept it really long and not listened to my dressmaker who told me to lop inches off it so that it didn’t go below the top of my corset. Nothing major though, just something I see when I look at my photos, but I also see how healthy, happy and relaxed I look.

I also think I should have worn a veil.

Slight sore point also hangs over my hair as I also rejected a diamante headpiece my SIL hand-crafted for me. Though I don’t regret choosing not to wear it.

21. What side of the bed do you sleep on?

The right when you’re in it, the left when you look at it.

22. What size is your bed?

King, but I think we need a bigger duvet.

23. Greatest strength as a couple?

As we vowed we would, we ‘share all things’.

We also both strongly believe in not quitting and not being part of the throw-away society we now live in.

He knows me better than anyone else and together, with Peanut, we’re a family.

24. Greatest challenge as a couple?

Definitely my debt-awakening last year. Sleep deprivation after Peanut was quite tough as I think it led to us being slightly finger pointing about who was pulling their weight. Also, my husband’s knack of going from 0 to 100mph in 5 seconds; he can blow up without waiting to listen to rationale so you end up pussy footing around his fuse a bit. That and he’s a bit glass half empty sometimes so you have to pump him up. I’m no walk in the park either, when I want something I want it now and I also want things just right. He thinks I mumble and use the Mac too much. But hey, we all have our niggles.

25. Who literally pays the bills?

Me. Husband knows what’s going on and can check our bank account at any time, but he leaves the admin to me.

26. What is your song?

Madness: ‘It Must Be Love’. They are his favourite band so it resurfaces quite a lot for us.

27. What did you dance your first dance to?

While we didn’t have dancing at our wedding, we did at our post-honeymoon party. We danced to ‘It Must Be Love’ on that occasion.

28. Describe your wedding dress.

It was hand made by a designer in London called Annette Carey. It was her ‘Grace’ design and it was lovely. It was ever so slightly ivory, slim-off-the-hip with a reasonably long train. The skirt was taffeta and then had a layer of silk georgette over it. The corset was ruched and was again taffeta overlaid with georgette. It’s really hard to describe but it was beautiful. There’s a pic on Annette’s website which may do more justice than my words are able.

It made me feel like a princess, and with my 4 inch Jimmy Choo’s I glided around with my shoulders back and a beaming smile on my face all day.

29. What kind of flowers did you have at your wedding?

White and palest pink roses. Minimal foliage of only pale green Eucalyptus leaves in honour of my Aussie past. My small, hand-tied bouquet was beautiful. The next day my mum placed it on her mum’s grave so that she became a part of our day.

30. Are your wedding bands engraved?

Yes. I have his name and he has mine, and we both have our wedding date [just so he can’t forget!].

Crush me

A very young, very single, girl at work recently gushed over images of Patrick Dempsey. Which led me [despite my age, marital and parental status] to think about all the celebrities I kinda like the look of. Very juvenile I know, but very indulgent all the same.

Clichés like Brad Pitt and David Beckham aside, here’s my list of celebrity crushes [in alphabetical order so as not to show bias]:

Josh Holloway


Justin Chambers


Justin Timberlake


Milo Ventimiglia


Patrick Dempsey


Do we see a theme emerging...?

Oh and husband, this definitely doesn't, in any way, mean I love you or lust over you any less. They're just teenage girl-like harmless daydreams. x

Blogging under the influence

I have a confession.

I’ve been drinking a little bit of Champagne this evening, therefore my ability to write original prose tonight is kind of null and void.

I have good excuses though I promise: we won an award for our work yesterday [Best Magazine bla bla bla], our big huge project finally went to print today, and it’s my sister-in-laws birthday. Plus it was vintage Moet and it was lovely.

So instead of writing about my busy day at the office I thought I’d share more silliness about myself. Here goes:

1. Were you named after anyone?
Not that I’m aware of.

2. Do you like your handwriting?
Sometimes. If I’m taking my time, it’s quite nice and floaty. If I’m rushing, it’s scrawl.

3. If you were another person would you be friends with you?
Probably not. I would no doubt be able to sense my likelihood not to keep in touch as much as I would like or intend to.

4. Do you use sarcasm a lot?
Oh yes.

5. Do you still have your tonsils?
Yes.

6. Would you bungee jump?
Already have.

7. What is your favourite cereal?
Quick porridge.

8. Do you untie your shoes when you take them off?
Not always, just like I didn’t tonight. I always regret it when I come to put them back on the next time.

9. What are you listening to right now?
The semi-final of the African Nations Cup [Ivory Coast v Egypt] is on tv in the background.

10. If you were a crayon what colour would you be?
Pink, or orange. Quite like a fruit salad sweet.

11. What did you watch on tv last night?
Nothing. Husband played the Wii while I washed and blow-dried my hair.

12. Rolling Stones or Beatles?
Neither!

13. Do you have a special talent?
Um, not that I know of. Annoying my husband?

14. Where were you born?
Wales.

15. Have you ever broken a bone?
Not yet but there’s plenty of time.

Marital makeover

If you’d asked me a year ago what the vital ingredients were to make a good marriage, I would have said love, trust, honesty, communication; all the usual stereotypes.

Now, while I would still say those things, I would also add sex and money. If those two things are going right, then I think everything else falls into place around them.

The reason I know this to be true is because our marriage a year ago was in a very different place to where it is now. A year ago I was still burying my head in the sand about our financial predicament; building a brick wall between myself and my husband to ensure our [my] predicament stayed my own. My stress levels were off the scale and I had to keep all my stress to myself, how could I explain why I was stressed if no one but myself was aware of the underlying cause?

Then something happened which could so nearly have unravelled us but in reality has been the best thing ever. Husband found out about our [my] predicament and understandably, and expectedly, hit the roof. At the time, I didn’t think he’d ever come down. At the time, I didn’t think he would even stay, but stay he did. It took a while but we got past it. We sat down and worked out a budget where we actually lived within our means [a novelty for us, believe me], we looked at ways to bring in more money and cut our spending.

I’m really proud of how we’ve worked together to turn it all around. Back in my darkest days I never imagined we could be where we are today. In the eight months since what I call ‘debt-awakening’ [the moment I woke up to having to deal with it] we’ve managed to sort ourselves so much that we’ve saved thousands of pounds - enough to pay off one of my loans just before Christmas. We’re now busily saving away to clear the other. I can’t wait for the day when we can say we have no debts to pay and all our money is our own.

One of the best things to come out of sorting ourselves out is the chance we now have to revolutionise our family life. A year ago our finances were so screwed up I could never imagine being able to afford a second baby; now we’re actively trying to make baby number 2. And most definitely a year ago I could never imagine being able to stay at home with that new little baby [whenever it may come along]; now we have plans for exactly that.

I can’t thank my husband enough for allowing me [us] to get past our mistakes and my silly frivolity. I’m loving that we’re now a proper partnership, who know where we stand and where we’re going. I'm loving that we've fallen back in love and turned back time.

So like I said at the beginning, everything else may be really important but if your money and your sex life are ok, everything else just falls into place.

Q and A

Using it as a small opportunity to escape the drudgery of my working day I decided to go for a small walk at lunch today, something I haven’t done by myself in I don’t know how long.

My office is only a street away from where Heath Ledger was filming The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus a few days before he died, so I decided to go for a wander in that direction. Not to see anything, merely to soak in the buildings he’d been looking at himself earlier this month and by going, in some small way, I felt I was showing him my respect. Silly I know.

Anyway, on my walk back I bought a copy of Heat [for those not from the UK, a tabloid celebrity/entertainment magazine], the first one I’ve bought since probably last summer when I cut magazines out of my new budget. The very last page of Heat is always a Q&A interview with a celebrity, for kicks I figured I’d answer the same questions myself here tonight. Here goes:

Where did you wake up this morning?
In bed with my husband, with the cat sleeping at my feet. Our alarm went off at 5:25am, which is just wrong.

If you were invisible for a day, what would be the first thing you’d do?
Rob a bank.

What’s been the most embarrassing moment of your life?
Driving at speed through a car park height restriction barrier, forgetting my husband's pride and joy road bike was attached to the roof. Embarrassing, funny in retrospect and very very devastating for my husband.

Ever been chatted up by another celebrity?
As I’m not a celebrity, sadly no.

Who did you last receive a text from and what did it say?
A girl I work closely with, to thank me for staying back to talk to her about her plans to resign soon.

What was the last lie you told?
That I’m not thinking of having another baby yet [to a colleague].

When was the last time you cried?
Last Wednesday after I’d called in sick to work. I was so stressed about being in pain, and work having caused my pain, that after I’d told them I broke down for a couple of minutes.

When were you last naked in front of another person?
Last night in front of my husband.

Apart from your home and car, what is the most expensive thing you have ever bought?
I can’t say my wedding dress because my parents paid for that. So I would have to say the little black Gucci dress I bought from Harrods the year before I met my husband. It cost £800.

What do you most dislike about yourself?
My belly.

I want...

A holiday in the sun, enough money to pull Peanut out of nursery, enough money to have baby number 2 and be a stay at home mum, enough fertility to conceive baby number 2, a Bugaboo, lots of new clothes [Seven jeans, French Sole ballet pumps being the immediate essentials], enough money to visit my old friends in Australia, enough social skills to be a good friend, snow so that Peanut can build a snowman, summer to actually arrive this year, calorie-free chocolate [and a stomach that likes caffeine], the 7 pounds sitting on my belly to vanish, naturally dark hair, to be hired as an interiors stylist, to be hired to write a magazine feature, to sleep in, the ability to tan, a mould-free bathroom, new windows [preferably sash], to have more time with my family, a bigger house, a bigger car, a puppy, for Peanut to grow up to be a good person, to retire before I’m 35.

What do you want?

Twenty questions

Define yourself in 3 words…
Small, anxious, sarcastic.

Eye colour?
Dark brown.

Favourite body part?
Eyes, boobs and feet. Not stomach.

Are you a cat or a dog person?
Dog but I have a cat. Go figure.

Do you eat cold cereal at night?
I wouldn't say no.

What is your favourite television show?
Grey's Anatomy.

What is your favourite food?
Chocolate and pasta [not together].

What is your favourite place?
Home. And then my mum and dad's house.

Where do you want to travel next?
Somewhere hot with white sand and turquoise ocean.

What do you do on Fridays?
'Work from home'.

If you could have one super human power, what would you choose?
After watching Heroes, none of them.

Have you had a beer in the last week?
Nope.

Red or pink?
Pink.

Summer or winter?
Summer.

Flip flops or sandals?
Flip flops.

Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings.

Last movie you watched?
Good Will Hunting.

Favourite smells?
Freshly cut grass, rain on a hot pavement, Peanut.

Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My husband. To let him know I had left work, ask how Peanut was and discuss what was for dinner.

What is the furthest you have been from home?
Australia. I lived in Sydney for 6 years in my early-twenties; without my family. Maybe I’m braver than I think? Or maybe I used to be.

Fear factor

Two nice things happened to me today.

First, Peanut and I spent the afternoon at a friend’s house. She’s the mum of a couple of children at nursery with Peanut and she’s lovely. We’re very similar sometimes and I think that’s how we came to be friends in the first place.

Second, I’ve been home alone this evening and have just finished watching one of my favourite films for the first time in years: Good Will Hunting. Not only is Matt Damon cute and vulnerable, but also the dialogue is just lovely. I am total sucker for some of the monologues in this film.

Here are two of my favourite quotes:

‘You’ll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you’re afraid to take the first step because all you’re seeing are the negative things that might happen ten miles down the road.’

‘He pushes people away before they have the chance to leave him. And for twenty years he’s been alone because of that.’

I think the reason I like the dialogue is because of how I relate to it. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt alone, even in a room full of people [sometimes more so in a room full of people]. I don’t know if it began as a conscious choice or if it’s just how I turned out.

I remember being completely shy as a little girl and I think I only ‘grew out of it’ when I started work - an environment where you have to get over it and talk to people or you get nowhere. Underneath my work bravado though remains the same shy little girl. The girl, safe in her own company, who spent hours alone in her room writing about the life she hoped for when she grew up.

While I will now talk to anybody, I still believe people tolerate me rather than want to be with me. That people will move on and leave me. That if I dare to open up, I’ll be let down. Will Hunting refers to it as attachment disorder and fear of abandonment. Maybe that’s true but I like to think underneath it all I’m just a girl who wants to be accepted.

That’s why today was nice. I finally dared to ask someone if they wanted me to visit and they did. I enjoyed having someone to listen to my rambling hopes and dreams and I hope I can equally be there for them.

If I achieve nothing else in 2008 [well, apart from conceiving Baby Number 2] I hope I finally grow up and take care of my friendships.

I resolve to...

1. Sustain this blog.
2. Stop eating so much chocolate!
3. Stop drinking so much full fat Coke!
4. Exercise, even if just a little bit. My husband is after all an athlete.
5. Find ways to make money from my natural, but thus far unexplored, talents.
6. Pay off my last personal loan two years early, thereby increasing my chances of achieving resolutions 8 and 9!
7. Get pregnant with baby number 2; hopefully a boy for my husband but another girl would be nice too.
8. Go on maternity leave and be able to afford to not go back to work full time, woohoo!
9. Drop off and pick up Peanut from primary school when she starts this time next year, without having to pay someone to do it for me.

I’m not sure if this is a list of resolutions or just a bunch of things I wish I could achieve. I’m hoping my writing them here either makes me more accountable, or more lucky...

Getting to know me

Hello again, and Happy New Year!

It’s the first day of 2008 so there’s no better day to invite the world into my little corner than today. Start as you mean to go on I say!

I’m your average early-thirty-something married woman with a small daughter, living in the south of England. I work in publishing but wish I had the financial freedom to stay home and bake cakes with her.

Here are some other random things about me to break the ice:

My husband is an athlete.
My daughter is amazing.
I really love my mum and dad, they rock.
I have an older brother though we’re not especially close.
I have a cat, she can be annoying but I wouldn’t want her to leave.
Ssshhh, don’t tell anyone, but beneath my all-around-the-world accent I was born in Wales.
I don’t play so well with others, I try but I always worry they don’t really like me.
My favourite movie is 'Good Will Hunting'. Like Will, I also worry the people I love will leave me.
I’m a really fussy eater.
I have an insatiably sweet tooth – savoury must be followed by sweet, it’s a life rule.
I love my sleep, always have. My doctor has tried to find a medical reason for my tiredness but there doesn’t seem to be one.
I have a tendency to be lazy but don’t tolerate it in others too well.
I’m shamefully unfit but still weigh 8 stone. Bitch.
I get too many headaches.
I don’t tan, I barely even freckle. I love being golden but it’s such hard work.
I’m only 5ft 1 so I really should wear heels but I just can’t, they hurt. Ballet pumps, Converse and Uggs rule the day.
I’m a secret fan of pop music [my husband hates this thing about me].
My first love was Matt Goss, my second was Jordan Knight.
I wish my husband would learn to dance with me, I’m not sure he realises how sexy it is.
I wish I could sing.
As of last week, we’re actively trying to make baby number 2. Wish us luck.

A.