I don’t want to write a ‘woe is me’ post, I really don’t. But at the same time it would be false of me to pretend everything in my head is fine and dandy.
So what’s wrong? Well, truthfully, nothing major. Just a bunch of little things that mean I’m beating myself up, and then down again.
It’s my birthday this coming week; I’m going to turn 34 on Thursday. I don’t like it much as a number and I certainly don’t want to be associated with it.
It feels like only a blink ago I was 25, fresh home from Australia, falling in love, planning a wedding, making babies, oh and of course, spending money for England.
So where am I now? Old, unattractive, too fat for my clothes, without money to buy any new ones and really hoping to get pregnant but so far not succeeding. Like I said, woe is me.
My mind has been filled of late with silly thoughts like these:
Am I too old to be wearing a hoodie? Why am I even wearing a hoodie? Cheap and warm would be the answer to that.
Why do I feel like I’ve lost my game? Actually I can answer that too. I’ve lost my game because I can no longer afford to play. In a world where image matters I can no longer afford to participate. The irony is that I can’t afford to play anymore because in my twenties I played the game a little too hard and now it’s biting me on my fat, old, ugly ass.
I also had a dream the other night about Milo Ventimiglia [being representative of men my own age-ish]. He didn’t even notice me. I mean, why would he notice a past her prime mother with bad hair when he’s dating an 18 year old?
So anyway, as I see it I have two choices: I can wallow in my own self-pity or I can do something about it all.
How you look affects your self esteem, there’s no escaping it, so I’m going to choose the latter. As my birthday [usually] falls on the last day of February I have a tendency to consider March 1st as my second chance at resolutions. It is, after all, the first day of my very own New Year and that’s good enough for me. It means I get to start over on the resolutions I made in January that haven’t really stuck.
With that in mind, I went out for a walk this afternoon. On my own! Peanut was at MIL’s causing a riot with her cousins and husband was snoozing. I think I needed that hour to myself. Just me and my iPod, walking through town with the fresh winter breeze in my face, blowing all my cobwebs away.
It felt good. Just the pick me up I needed.
Saturday 23 February 2008
Pick me up
4 comments:
You know, no one can be up all the time, so don't beat yourself up when you're feeling a little down. No one blames you.
I'm glad, though, that you're approaching your birthday with a new, positive attitude. Attitude counts for a lot. Kudos on taking a little alone time - everyone needs it. Amazing how a good, brisk walk in the fresh air can change your perspective, isn't it?
I'm sorry you've had such a rough week! Everyone has those once in a while and it's okay. I am empathetic to your need to look cool even though you are a yummy mummy in your 30's. I am in the same place no money to look fashionable. And hey, 34, you're still in your PRIME!
I agree. If you look good on the outside, you just float. I always feel that way after I get my hair done or when I have a new article of clothing.
That said, I rarely get new clothes or my hair done. Sometimes, I get really down on myself, especially realizing that I am no longer closer in age to the high schoolers...more like closer to the adults...what?!
Anyway, I'm glad you got out on the walk. Fresh air and exercise = very cleansing.
Don't beat yourself up...I think you are a very cool chick. I wish we lived close so we could drink some champagne :) Girl's nights are very therapeutic also!
I understand what you are going through, I feel so blah and I wish I was more put together. I hope that you can feel good without having to spend lots of money like many people do, because shopping can be just a temporary band-aid. I hope the weather will allow for more walks because they do a world of good.
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