Bad daughter, good daughter

Today is Mother’s Day and it’s one of the main reasons we decided to visit my mum and dad this weekend. Together with it having just been my birthday, it seemed a logical reason to visit this particular weekend, as opposed to any other.

Except I’m a bad daughter.

I forgot to load her card and present into our car and didn’t realise until we were an hour into our journey! I tried my very hardest yesterday to treat her to a new item of clothing to perk her up but nothing seemed to ignite a spark. Even though we did pay for our family meal out last night, nothing really gets past the stupidity of me forgetting her present! Sorry mum.

On the other hand, Peanut is a very, very, very good daughter.

While I was not alone in my absent-mindedness [husband also forgot to pack my present], he was off the hook as I could at least receive my gift from Peanut when we got home.

And what a nice gift it was. I received a huge Cinderella card, plus Series One of Grey’s Anatomy on DVD! She is such a good daughter, nine whole episodes of Justin Chambers and McDreamy!

Between husband’s sport and Peanut’s cbeebies I’m not sure when I’ll get to watch it. Though, if I remember right, husband is out this Wednesday evening so I think a night in with Justin may be on the cards.

Well, he will go out and play football…

I can see clearly now...

...the rain has gone.

For the past two days we’ve had the most amazing transformation happening at home. After seven years of suffering rotten, leaking windows, and doors that wouldn’t close without a hefty kick, we gave in and signed up for replacements.

They’re not sash but they are sympathetic to the style they should really be, which is a marked improvement on the 70s casement style that was here before.

Plus they aren’t covered in heavy condensation so I can actually see out of them, which is a complete novelty. Strange but true. Of all the nice things I received for my birthday, I have to say my new windows are just lovely. It feels like our house has been swaddled in cotton wool to protect it from the outside world.

Hmm, moving on from my peculiar subject…

My birthday didn’t quite work out as I had hoped but it was nice all the same, and not once did I dwell on my new age. I spent the day with husband and Peanut, and while she was an absolute horror for a while [we even had to give a time out in the middle of a department store!], on the whole it was much nicer to be with them than at work.

It was also nice to be able to play the ‘birthday card’ to get out of doing stuff! Cheeky I know but you only get it once a year!

We didn’t make it to The Portrait Gallery and I didn’t quite get to shop till I dropped but I did get to buy some new stuff. I only managed to spend my birthday money [lots of cash presents must mean I’m difficult to buy for!?] so I still have all my own budget still burning a hole.

We also did get to demo all the Bugaboo’s and I have to say husband wasn’t entirely put off. He blew me away slightly as he came away preferring the new Bugaboo Bee, a model I hadn’t even considered as I thought he’d consider it weird. He liked that it folded down all in one [you have to take the seat off the others first], plus he didn't really want the Gecko carrycot as he doesn’t think we have anywhere to store it [fair point].

Funnily, I’m not sure about the Bee because it seemed really tiny but hey, it may be a fair compromise. Slightly fraudulent of us to even look at them, considering I’m not cooking a baby, but fun all the same.

Right now we’re off to my mum’s for two days of being looked after…yum.

Cabin fever

Some weekends we're really busy, rushing from a to b. Other weekends we have so little to do we don't know where to begin. This weekend was one of those.

Back in the days when financial frivolity was the norm, I'm sure we would have made a list of things we needed and places we needed to go. After all, there's no bigger fix for boredom than buying something new and lovely, and the ensuing rush from taking that item home to play with and admire.

Except we don't live like that anymore. Apart from our grocery shop on Friday, and asking next door's builder to fix a broken bit of our footpath yesterday, we haven't been near anywhere that required us to part with money.

Which is great for our bank balance but not always so great for our minds. Husband always gets cabin fever on a Sunday if our weekends are too quiet. Despite a busy day yesterday [football with his nephew in the morning and a family walk in the great outdoors - lake & forest - in the afternoon] he was still grumpy quite a bit today. I called him McFrosty this evening but I don't think he got the reference.

As for me, my mood has been surprisingly ok today so maybe my optimism can hang in there a little while longer. After all, there's only room for one person with pmt!

Day 27 tomorrow...

Blue Wednesday

Hey.

Today has been very flat, and not at all full of good cheer.

At my office, one person I know was made redundant yesterday, four more were chopped today, and another six are due to go tomorrow. As you can imagine the atmosphere is very solemn; in fact it's like working at a wake.

To top that, the two new jobs husband has been going after look to be leading nowhere. One he has written off himself, and the other, which he quite fancied, well they just don't seem to know what criteria they want to recruit!

Which means he's not feeling too chirpy, and on top of that he's been on a course for the past two days and has had to sit in traffic for HOURS. He hates sitting in traffic.

Plus, Peanut is tired and irritable after a late-ish night on Saturday, and busy days on Sunday and Monday!

Woohoo! Hey, at least we're all ok physically. No winter colds or vomiting bugs [Latte Mommy, Oh Mommy].

Roll on the weekend.

You can lead a horse to water

but you can’t make it drink. Or maybe that should read: you can lead a nine year old to the dinner table but you can’t make it eat.

We went to dinner this evening at mother in laws place, with sister in law, her husband and her three kids [nine year old, and two year old twins – all boys!].

Complete chaos and extremely noisy but nothing new there. It depends what mood we’re in as to whether we can handle it, or whether it drives us crazy. Tonight was fairly reasonable, we managed to stick it out for nearly 3 hours which is good going.

Anyway, I digress. The nine year old is a reeeeaaaaaalllllly fussy eater. I’ve known him since he was nearly 2 and he pretty much always has been. He was an only child until he was 7 so maybe he was allowed to get away with it for too long. Plus, when the twins came along I think it just became important for him to eat, no matter what it was.

He seems to only eat pizza, tinned pasta and ham or chocolate spread sandwiches. I’m sure he has a greater repertoire than just these but it’s all I seem to witness.

As a family we’re all trying to say that if he wants to be good at sport [which he does] he needs food for energy. This hopefully changes it from nagging to something he needs for himself. He agrees in principle but then can’t quite bring himself to follow through.

Having witnessed his behaviour, and the shouting/crying it generates, we’ve always insisted Peanut eats what we’re eating. If we’re all eating at the same time, and especially when we’re somewhere else, Peanut has what we have. I’ve never fussed over and given her something different. And even so I still think she’s a bit fussy; or perhaps manipulative so she can eat rubbish!

Maybe he needs to realise that dinner is his only choice? That if he doesn’t eat his dinner he actually will be hungry. But there’s the dilemma: do you want him to eat ‘something’ now or do you want him to eat ‘good’ always?

Just before we headed home he was eating pitta bread, just so that he ate ‘something’.

Kids!

End of the road?

Despite believing our cat had made a miraculous recovery, despite believing maybe she really did just have an ear infection, this morning she suffered a big relapse. Out of the blue she just couldn't walk properly, struggled to stand and her head was a bit wobbly.

Husband and I just know it's the end of the road for her. Peanut is slightly prepared, we've been talking to her about how the cat will need to go and live with someone who knows how to look after wobbly cats. Peanut seems ok with that in theory but I don't suppose it will be that easy in reality.

We're going to see how the cat is over the weekend and, I guess, if she's no better by tomorrow night then we'll have to make the call.

I guess there is a positive we can all take from this; the treatment the vet gave her at New Year at least gave us a month with her where we could be nice to her, spoil her and give her lots of affection. In some ways, come to terms with her not being well and say goodbye.

A month ago, when it all first happened, we would have taken the time we've just had as enough. And I guess now it will have to be.

Home alone

Husband has been a very busy boy today so I’ve been home alone a lot. Probably a good thing considering I haven’t washed and wouldn’t want to scare anyone by going out in public!

He kick started activities by going out for a mountain bike ride in the very muddy forest with a couple of friends. They returned a few hours later coated up to their eyeballs, requiring a hose down in the garden. One friend made an early exit so I hope he’s ok and wasn’t sick on his way home. I think the conditions were quite extreme so it was probably very tough going for his first time out. I hope it hasn’t put him off doing it again.

The favour was then returned when husband decided he and Peanut would go out for a walk to buy the newspaper, giving me a bit of time to myself. When he came home he confessed to having nearly bought me flowers but thought I wouldn’t approve of him spending the money. It was nice to hear the thought was there though. I must write a post about our money story so you understand where these kind of comments come from. Another day.

Now he’s out again, having taken Peanut to her swimming lesson. Sometimes I go along too but he said I could stay home today and get dinner ready. Not a completely selfless gesture as he’s going out for a quick drink with his brother this evening, to provide him with a shoulder to cry on, and needs to be out of the house by 6.

Therefore my task for this afternoon is to get meat pie and all the trimmings on the table for 5pm. I really should go and put the potatoes on to part boil or they’ll never be roasted in time. But apart from that, the steak pie is ready to rock as I slow cooked the meat last night and the puff pastry is already on.

A year ago I didn’t cook hardly at all [I've never had much interest in food if it’s not high in sugar and bad for me] but for some reason I became interested in being a domestic goddess at the beginning of 2007 and it seems to have stuck. Must be my age catching up with me!

Life is a rollercoaster

I’m afraid I don’t have good news. At 3:40 this morning I used my wee stick and the result came in as a big, fat, negative. After which I snuggled back into bed feeling disappointed and sorry for myself.

Peanut woke early, came into bed with us and we had an hour or so all together. When we finally woke up for the day she was adorable: kisses and cuddles, and in a great mood. It only served to reinforce what I wanted again. I wanted another Peanut. I wanted there to be 4 of us scrambling around the bed, one big happy family. But today that wasn’t to be; that dream will have to keep for a while.

I was very melancholy all morning and was dumbstruck by husband’s lack of sympathy to how I was feeling. He thought I was over-reacting, that I shouldn’t have built my hopes up in the first place. That may be so, but they were already built.

Anyway, by lunch I realised I couldn’t let it get me down all day and put it to the back of my mind. Good job really because shortly after I came to realise there are people having a much rougher day than I am.

Husband’s brother moved out of the home he shares with his long-term girlfriend this afternoon [he’s 38 and is having to stay with his mum]. It’s possibly temporary but nobody really knows right now, apparently they’ve been fighting for a while. I hope they work it out as I don’t want him to have to start over, but I also acknowledge it may be the best thing for him in the long run.

Then, there’s my family thinking my Nan has the early stages of dementia and not knowing what to do about it. And finally, a cousin of my husband is having her new baby tested for Spina Bifida. In light of all this I think the fact my instant conception didn’t happen quite like I hoped is ok, for now.

One good thing to share, our cat seems to be ok. She came off her medication last Monday and so far so good; no significant wobbles at least. She seems to have lived to fight another day. I’m sure, in I don’t know how many days, she’ll relapse but for now she has her 9th life in tact.

Waiting for my school report

First thing tomorrow I'm going on an official visit to Peanut's prospective primary school. She's due to start next January and the headmaster apparently doesn't like any pupil starting whose parents haven't made a prior visit. And yes, this is a state school!

There's no guarantee Peanut will even be accepted as they're over-subscribed and just got the most glowing report from Ofsted. It will come down to numbers, whether you fit into the catchment [yes, but catchment b] and if there are siblings already attending [obviously no].

I was a bit cheeky [read: risky] but on the advice of my in-laws I only put this one school on my application. It's at the top of our road so I will not be amused should she not get in! D-day is April 1st, when I'll receive an email from the local authority advising us of her fate.

I feel like I'm the one that's being inspected tomorrow when it should be the other way around! I'll let you know tomorrow whether I escape unscathed.

p.s. today is day 32 of baby watch and still no sign of negative confirmation. I could of course have the longest natural cycle known to man, or my body could simply be settling into a rhythm after years of preventative drugs. If there's still no sign by Saturday [day 35] I think I'll take a test.

House of fun

If you’re thinking of paying a visit to my house, think again. At least until the weekend! House of fun we are not.

Husband has felt rubbish for more than 24 hours and is either brewing the Novovirus or Man-Flu.

Peanut has developed a nasty habit of waking up an hour early and being totally exhausted by day’s end [nursery or no nursery]. She was so tired tonight for a while she was inconsolable.

Me? I think I have PMT as I’ve started to get unnecessarily grumpy. This is either a consequence of husband and Peanut’s antics above, or is preliminary evidence I won’t be pregnant this month. Which just makes me sad. And in turn, more grumpy.

Woe is me [us].

Counting the days

Husband and I have been trying to make a baby for precisely 24 days; no luck so far but no definite negative yet either. Before we kicked off proceedings I suggested we buy an ovulation testing kit, however at more than £20 we both figured it was an expense we could avoid, especially when we hadn’t given it a go on our own yet.

Last night, when husband came home all loved up [and slightly happy on beer] he announced he reeeeaaaally wants a baby. So much so he wants to try the ovulation thingy too.

This morning, in the cold light of day, we again agreed it would be silly to splurge the cash. At least, not until we are a couple of months down the road without success.

It’s hard to know what’s the right path to follow. I don’t want to throw money down the drain but then I do want to get pregnant. And today would be nice. Will I regret not buying a kit if I’m still not pregnant in six months? Probably. But we’re not under any great time pressure so it wouldn’t really matter if it did take that long. Or so I tell myself.

So anyway, I did some research on the internet this afternoon about the different ways of checking for ovulation. Right now I’m going to stick with plain old maths. Which means next month I’ll have to schedule reward nights with more accuracy - I’m sure husband will be thrilled at the military precision coming his way!

Looking back on dates for this month, there’s a chance we may get lucky but it looks like my parents sleeping in the next room was smack in the middle of our best chance to conceive. Wonder if they realise they were preventing the creation of their 5th grandchild? Only time will tell.

Babies, babies, everywhere

It probably has something to do with my age but everyone [and I mean everyone] around me is either pregnant or recently had a baby. My husband’s closest co-worker had a baby only this morning, and four women at work who sit really close have all announced pregnancies in the last month!

I know, I know, we’ve only been trying* to make baby number 2 for the past two and a half weeks but when I want something I don’t like to wait. Also, it only took two months to get pregnant with Peanut so I guess I have high expectations of my own fertility.

*If I’m completely honest, we haven’t been ‘trying’ all that hard this month; not helped by my parents sleeping in the next room for a few nights over the holidays! Must try harder next month [ooh err missus].

On her 9th life?

Last week our cat suddenly, out of the blue, couldn't walk straight and kept falling over; much like a drunken tramp.

A visit to the ‘animal doctor’ concluded it could either be an inner ear infection [which would clear up within 24 hours] or a brain tumour/seizure etc [which wouldn’t].

Unfortunately, it didn't clear up the next day. We were still pleasantly surprised by her recovery however; after a couple of days our hope returned and we thought she'd got it licked.

We were wrong. On Saturday night she came over all wobbly again. She seemed reasonable yesterday but I know all logic points to it not being a positive outcome.

She usually annoys me [can't bear the sound of licking] but this past week hasn’t been very nice. I feel terrible for her, she's not in any pain but it's still horrid to watch someone's demise. I also know that all the love and care I’m giving her now is too little too late.

And to top everything, Peanut adores her so I have no idea how to cross that bridge. Cue one very upset little girl. Suggestions on a postcard please.

[Does anyone think this is perhaps why Peanut is having issues right now? It crossed my mind earlier].

A bunch of 9 year olds and a packet of crisps

It’s our nephew’s 9th birthday today and we spent the afternoon at his ten pin bowling party. The partying adults played in their own lane however I still managed to come second to last, only my 60-year-old aunt-in-law got a lower score then I did and she hasn’t bowled for 20 years! I resisted putting up the sidebars for fear of being humiliated further but I think I’ll stick to the Wii in future.

Fall Over
Funniest part of the afternoon was seeing my mother-in-law chase her grandson/our 2-year-old nephew down the bowling lane, falling flat on her backside when she ran beyond the line of no return. I know you shouldn’t laugh at other people’s misfortune but it was funny.

Grumpy Mummy
Late in the afternoon I got the grumps temporarily when I spotted Peanut eating crisps. I know kids will be kids and she’s not barred from eating them or anything like that, it’s just that it was the second day in a row crappy food was being provided in the hour or so before her dinner [we spent yesterday afternoon with MIL as well].

Last night she didn’t eat her meal so I was damned if it was going to happen twice. MIL said I couldn’t blame the crisps for her not eating dinner yesterday. Which just made me feel like I didn’t know what was best for my own daughter, which in turn made me feel about two years old. I know she didn’t mean any harm, and I do love her to bits really, but sometimes I wonder when I’ll be taken seriously or if my opinions will always be dismissed!

P.S.
Question for any parents/paediatricians reading this…Peanut is currently keeping her number 2’s to herself for fear they will hurt her. The longer she goes the more agitated and distressed she gets but no amount of ignoring the situation, persuasion, bribery, telling off is enough to make her want to go.

When she eventually does go it never hurts as she had anticipated so she’s freaking out about something that doesn’t even come true.

This is the 3rd time this week she’s pulled this trick so any advice would be appreciated. Do you think it’s a coincidence it ties in with me going back to work? A cry for attention perhaps, reminding me she’s still my baby who needs lots of cuddles? A silly theory I’m sure but I’m clutching at straws.

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go

Whoopdedoo, today is my first day at work for 18 whole days and I just know it’s going to be horrid.

It's all my own undoing though: my employer closed for Christmas/New Year and I booked off the preceding week, giving Peanut and I the longest stretch of time together since I was on maternity leave over 3 years ago.

Ordinarily our daily grind goes something like this, just as it will this morning:

5:30 husband and I crawl out of bed though we’re usually too comatose for proper conversation at this hour.
6:15 husband leaves for work.
6:45 wake up Peanut.
6:45-7:45 convince Peanut she really does want to eat breakfast/get dressed so we’re not late, interspersed with making myself look halfway decent.
8:00 drive to nursery [we should really leave at 7:50 but we’re usually running a bit late].
8:15 drop Peanut at nursery to start her 10-hour stint.
8:30 wait for the silly tube train to take me into central London - this method of transport has a nasty habit of sucking 15 minutes out of my day, making me later than my childcare run already does.
9:30 arrive at work, usually half an hour after my official start time, hoping after 2 and a half years of the same tardiness I’ll continue to get away with it.

If I’m picking up Peanut, which I do at least two out of four days, I leave the office by 17:00. More often than not I’m running to the station in order to make it to the nursery by closing at 18:00. Peanut is usually one of the last to be collected: first in, last out. Sometimes it breaks my heart.

Contractually I should finish at 17:30 so all in all I don’t really deliver on my hours; I like to think I make it up by working late into the evening on days when I don’t have to rush off though. On those days I don’t make it home before Peanut’s bedtime so I never quite manage to make everyone happy, including myself.

Who was it that said you could have it all? As if I want it all anyway, I’d settle for just the bit I want right now.

I resolve to...

1. Sustain this blog.
2. Stop eating so much chocolate!
3. Stop drinking so much full fat Coke!
4. Exercise, even if just a little bit. My husband is after all an athlete.
5. Find ways to make money from my natural, but thus far unexplored, talents.
6. Pay off my last personal loan two years early, thereby increasing my chances of achieving resolutions 8 and 9!
7. Get pregnant with baby number 2; hopefully a boy for my husband but another girl would be nice too.
8. Go on maternity leave and be able to afford to not go back to work full time, woohoo!
9. Drop off and pick up Peanut from primary school when she starts this time next year, without having to pay someone to do it for me.

I’m not sure if this is a list of resolutions or just a bunch of things I wish I could achieve. I’m hoping my writing them here either makes me more accountable, or more lucky...