Thursday 31 January 2008

Wicked mother


For a while there I thought Peanut had reverted back to sleeping through to her routine wake up time of 6:45. I happily assumed all our early rising issues had sorted themselves out. Oh no. Yesterday she made a grand entrance at 6 and this morning, earlier still at 5:40.


Nothing wrong with that, in the sense that if she wants to start her day with the birds then who am I to tell her different. Except that's not how it works.

Last night she was exhausted, slept badly and this morning was a royal pain in the bum [moody, cheeky, whiney, miserable, ignoring everything I asked her to do]. I know she's only behaving like this because she's tired [and being day 4 of our working week we probably both are]. I also know, as the grown up, I should know better than to get snappy at her in return.

Unfortunately not. She was driving me crazy because I knew her mood was self inflicted. I knew if she'd stayed in bed for another hour, neither of us would be going through this crabby start to our day. My own frustration and stress at getting us out of the house on time meant I started to bark orders at her. To get dressed, and chastising her for anything else she did which was out of line. Which then left me drowning in working mum guilt:

If I didn't work and put her in nursery for 10 hours each day she wouldn't be so tired in the first place. [And if she wasn't so damn tired maybe she would sleep better, and the circle goes round].

If I didn't work I wouldn't have to berate her to get dressed as we wouldn't be under such pressure to leave the house.

If I didn't work I wouldn't being trying to get myself ready quite as much and would be able to focus on what she needed.

If I didn't work none of this morning's crabbiness would have happened.

Does this make me a wicked mother, or does this make both of us victims of modern day circumstance?

Wednesday 30 January 2008

A taxing matter


To procrastinate means to put off doing something, especially out of habitual carelessness or laziness; to postpone or delay needlessly.


It will therefore come as no surprise when I tell you the tax return forms I received last April have only just been completed. Tonight. 24 hours before the final deadline. 9 months after receiving them.

Had I not filed them before midnight tomorrow, the penalty would have been a fine of £100 for my tardiness. Thankfully, instead of that shambles, I can now be relieved it’s over for another year. Well, for longer than that really as next year I won’t have to complete one at all. Big smiles.

Unfortunately it means, rather than coming up with a witty and inspiring post this evening, I had to ensure I kept the tax man happy instead. He did reward me at the end of it all though by owing me 22 pence. Perhaps I could share?

Tuesday 29 January 2008

Q and A


Using it as a small opportunity to escape the drudgery of my working day I decided to go for a small walk at lunch today, something I haven’t done by myself in I don’t know how long.


My office is only a street away from where Heath Ledger was filming The Imaginarium of Doctor Parnassus a few days before he died, so I decided to go for a wander in that direction. Not to see anything, merely to soak in the buildings he’d been looking at himself earlier this month and by going, in some small way, I felt I was showing him my respect. Silly I know.

Anyway, on my walk back I bought a copy of Heat [for those not from the UK, a tabloid celebrity/entertainment magazine], the first one I’ve bought since probably last summer when I cut magazines out of my new budget. The very last page of Heat is always a Q&A interview with a celebrity, for kicks I figured I’d answer the same questions myself here tonight. Here goes:

Where did you wake up this morning?
In bed with my husband, with the cat sleeping at my feet. Our alarm went off at 5:25am, which is just wrong.


If you were invisible for a day, what would be the first thing you’d do?
Rob a bank.


What’s been the most embarrassing moment of your life?
Driving at speed through a car park height restriction barrier, forgetting my husband's pride and joy road bike was attached to the roof. Embarrassing, funny in retrospect and very very devastating for my husband.


Ever been chatted up by another celebrity?
As I’m not a celebrity, sadly no.


Who did you last receive a text from and what did it say?
A girl I work closely with, to thank me for staying back to talk to her about her plans to resign soon.


What was the last lie you told?
That I’m not thinking of having another baby yet [to a colleague].


When was the last time you cried?
Last Wednesday after I’d called in sick to work. I was so stressed about being in pain, and work having caused my pain, that after I’d told them I broke down for a couple of minutes.


When were you last naked in front of another person?
Last night in front of my husband.


Apart from your home and car, what is the most expensive thing you have ever bought?
I can’t say my wedding dress because my parents paid for that. So I would have to say the little black Gucci dress I bought from Harrods the year before I met my husband. It cost £800.


What do you most dislike about yourself?
My belly.

Monday 28 January 2008

I want...


A holiday in the sun, enough money to pull Peanut out of nursery, enough money to have baby number 2 and be a stay at home mum, enough fertility to conceive baby number 2, a Bugaboo, lots of new clothes [Seven jeans, French Sole ballet pumps being the immediate essentials], enough money to visit my old friends in Australia, enough social skills to be a good friend, snow so that Peanut can build a snowman, summer to actually arrive this year, calorie-free chocolate [and a stomach that likes caffeine], the 7 pounds sitting on my belly to vanish, naturally dark hair, to be hired as an interiors stylist, to be hired to write a magazine feature, to sleep in, the ability to tan, a mould-free bathroom, new windows [preferably sash], to have more time with my family, a bigger house, a bigger car, a puppy, for Peanut to grow up to be a good person, to retire before I’m 35.

What do you want?

Sunday 27 January 2008

Things to do before Peanut’s birthday party


I know, I know, I told you yesterday none of the aesthetic stuff really matters. However I can’t help myself from wanting my shabby chic home to be more chic and less shabby come Peanut’s birthday party in May.


So, here’s my list of things to do. Or more appropriately, things to decorate:

Lounge
Remove mantlepiece and block up fire ‘hole’.
Hang eye-catching wallpaper on feature wall.
Paint remaining walls in colour scanned to match base colour of feature wallpaper [yes, I’m that fussy].
Hire someone to clean our curtains while hung [or take to cleaner, whichever is least expensive].
Sand and paint enormous overmantle mirror to update from gilt to white.
Replace gilt picture frames with simple white versions from Ikea.
Replace gilt chandelier, perhaps with an enormous white acrylic version.


Bathroom
Paint every last surface white [again].
If I’m really lucky, replace all taps with shiny new ones. Being new, they automatically won’t have a build up of limescale and won’t have handles that fall off in your hand!


Hall
Repaint same colour as lounge to give continuity through to kitchen and also to warm/brighten up the room.
Be sure to paint coving correctly, including getting to those hard to reach bits we missed last time.
Replace two chandeliers.


Master Bedroom
Either wallpaper feature wall above bed or make/have made an extravagant deep-buttoned headboard.


Garden
Install a garden swing from the huge Ash tree at bottom of the garden.
General clean up, planting of new potted flowering plants etc.


Over the top and a little bit masochistic? Perhaps, but we’ll probably only achieve a fraction of it.

In truth, the only real room that matters before the party is the bathroom, which is so small we can easily repaint in a weekend. The lounge would be next as it’s been 7 years between makeovers so we were going to be decorating it this year anyway [wallpaper is already on order]. We just need to make sure we get our acts together in time.

I’d be surprised if any of the light fixtures were changed [no budget] and as for the rest of my list, well even I know they’re not necessary. But then, if yesterday is anything to go by, is any of it?

Saturday 26 January 2008

Beating ourselves up


Two things today made me think about how nothing on the outside really matters; all the false perfection and being on our best behaviour so we feel accepted, doesn't really matter at all.


First, was a comment I received from lattemommy on my previous post. About how she was busy getting her house ship-shape for her open day today. It made me think how we all de-personalise our homes when we want to sell, to present a sense of false perfection so someone will be enticed to buy.

Second, was when we were at a birthday party this afternoon, at the house of one of my mummy friends. No one had visited her house before so we were given a guided tour; we all gasped in envy at its enormity and newly built perfection. To her though, endearingly, she could only see how it was unfinished. She busily showed us the fabric for the curtains she was going to have, and the drawings for the fitted furniture she had on order. But you know what? As much as I would be exactly the same, when I was at her house it absolutely didn’t matter. I wouldn’t blink an eye if they were sitting on deckchairs and eating from a cool box. I like her family regardless of all that show stuff. Don’t get me wrong, if her house were rat infested I’d think twice about our friendship but aesthetic stuff just didn’t matter at all.

Which is hilariously hypocritical of me considering how much it matters in my own head. About the state of our house and how much I worry what people will think of mine. Will they notice how crappy my bathroom is? Will they notice there’s enough mould in there to cultivate a new species? Will they notice all the things I think are wrong, that are less than perfect, which need to be upgraded? Will they notice the coving in our hall that was never quite finished? I doubt it. And if they did, I hope they don’t care and realise we’re just doing the best we can.

That’s the thing you see, why do we go through life beating ourselves up about all the things we’re supposed to have and all the perfection we’re trying to present to the world? Why don’t we acknowledge our imperfections, instead of comparing ourselves to others and always coming out second? Why don’t we ever give ourselves a break, accept we are what we are. Accept that those who give a damn about us, well, they just won’t give a damn about any of that ‘stuff’.

Happy Australia Day!


In honour of it being Australia Day today [and also because I lived in Sydney for half of my twenties] I decided I would bake some Anzac Biscuits for Peanut to try. Yummy.

If you’d like to try them for yourself, they have an oaty, golden syrupy flavour. On the day you bake them they’re crunchy, but they develop a softer texture while in storage. This recipe makes about two dozen biscuits.

You will need:
120gm butter
2 tablespoons [40ml] golden syrup
92gm rolled oats
85gm desiccated coconut
150gm plain flour
168gm caster sugar
1 tablespoon [20ml] boiling water
½ teaspoon bicarbonate of soda


Preheat your oven to 160 degrees celsius [a little less if fan forced] and line two large baking trays with baking paper.

Place golden syrup and butter into a small saucepan over a low heat, stirring frequently. Stir flour, oat, sugar and coconut together in a large bowl. When butter has melted, combine soda and boiling water in a small bowl and stir into butter and golden syrup mixture. Add ingredients together and stir until well combined.

Roll heaped teaspoonfuls of mixture into balls about 5cm apart on trays. Flatten balls with a fork. Bake for about 15 minutes, until biscuits are golden brown [a little longer will result in crisper, drier biscuits which you may prefer]. Remove from oven and allow to fully cool. Store in an airtight container.

Enjoy!

Friday 25 January 2008

Wish List


The new Spring catalogue from Mini Boden arrived yesterday and it’s filled with beautiful pictures of beautiful children, being happy in beautiful happy clothes. In my life before debt awakening I would have splurged a couple of hundred pounds on stuff for Peanut [easily done I assure you], rationalised to myself in a number of ways:

  1. She’s always growing so always needs new stuff each time a new season rocks around. Last year’s just won’t fit anymore.
  2. Because I feel a slight competitive ‘Mini Boden panic’ as they sell out of the best stuff if you don’t order it as soon as the catalogue arrives [believe me, they do].
  3. Then there was my old justification that as I worked full time I needed to be able to order her clothes online, and Mini Boden was a great reliable source of them. When I couldn’t get near a store of any kind, or husband couldn’t be dragged near one, internet ordering was easy and slightly removed from any sense of parting with real money. Probably why debt was accrued in the first place!
Sadly I can’t order stuff from the new catalogue as I now live within strict budgets to keep me on the straight and narrow. They’ve been in place since last June and they’ve worked a treat. We’ve cleared one of my loans and should clear the other one later this year, nearly 5 years ahead of time. Pretty good going for two easily led shoppers.

Despite not being able to buy them, I decided to share with you all the beauty of Mini Boden. I selected my 6 favourite pieces, all of which I would order if I could. And maybe, if I can narrow it down to my most favourite/most likely to be worn loads of times, I’ll allow myself to buy her just one. Here endeth my Mini Boden fantasy. Enjoy!

Thursday 24 January 2008

An apology


To my husband. For being grumpy, melancholy, insular, quiet, demanding, easily displeased, nit-picky, over-emotional, un-emotional, disinterested, self-absorbed. For being all those things over the last few days, I’m sorry.


Sometimes it’s hard to hide how I feel, hard to brush over it and be chipper. Sometimes I don’t want to brush over it. Sometimes I want to wallow in it and for you to notice my wallowing and do something fabulous to make me feel better. If left to my own devices I’ll continue to wallow, refusing to get back on the saddle and carry on.

I know I set my baby-making expectations too high and I want the perfect future now. I know I hate going to work because I want to be home with Peanut. I know I hate going to work even more because it’s causing actual physical pain. I know none of this is your fault and none of it you can fix either. Just let me wallow sometimes. Other times, just make me a cup of tea and give me a hug. Knowing you’re not frowning at me, that you’re on the rollercoaster with me, will be enough to make it all slip slide away.

I love you.

p.s. big HUGE congratulations on your team kicking ass the other night. Dinner and beer will be served this evening, I’ll even be washed with brand new hair just to dazzle you.

Doctor, doctor


I just got a 5-point prescription from my doctor:


rest
heat
painkillers
anti-inflammatories
no more heavy lifting

Looks like work will have to find a stronger victim to be their product fairy from now on!

Wednesday 23 January 2008

30 thousand mornings


The sudden death of Heath Ledger yesterday made me think of a passage from a book I read a good few years ago which felt somehow fitting today:


‘Apart from 30 thousand mornings,
life doesn’t belong to us.
We live like we’re going to be around forever
but we should be careful.
After all, not everybody gets the full
thirty thousand mornings - and there’s
no refund on any unused portion’.

Lots of love to little Matilda.

Ouch!


I’ve hurt my back. Nothing dramatic, not a slipped disc or anything, but a continual dull ache in the lower and middle areas, sometimes accompanied by a sharp tingle down the left side. Enough for me take the day off today. And tomorrow. And probably Friday too.


I have an appointment with my doctor tomorrow morning; no doubt he’ll just tell me to rest and usher me out of his room. I don’t particularly want him to prescribe painkillers as I think I can manage without them until it recovers all by itself. I would just like reassurance I’m not inflicting long-term damage and for him to support the notion I need to change my work responsibilities to alleviate the cause.

See, that’s my problem. I think it’s my job that’s causing my pain. I commission photography for a niche consumer magazine and the product we promote is heavy. As part of organising our shoots I have to make sure we have the products available we wish to promote. If the product isn’t being delivered into my office, it’s being unpacked, moved, checked off a spreadsheet and then shipped out again to a shoot location. Sounds simple enough but when 1 average box weighs 16lbs/7.2kg and yesterday alone I unpacked at least 20 boxes, it means I shifted 336lbs/24 stone/152 kilos of the stuff yesterday alone!

I admit, we’re very busy right now so there’s way more to deal with than is normal but this summer will see me reach my 3rd year in the job and I think it’s finally taking its toll. The ridiculous thing is my employer pays me far too high a salary to be dealing with this rubbish, it’s just that no one else is silly enough to take on the responsibility. Believe me, I’ve been trying to handover the reins to a colleague [any colleague] for the past year but no-one wants to know! And as they’re my shoots, and I need the products in the right place at the right time, the buck stops with me.

Which is why I need to go see my doctor tomorrow. Even if I think I can physically get by without him I need him to help me build my case with work. Maybe he will sign me off sick and I can have an extended period at home? Maybe he’ll tell me I can’t do my job anymore and my employer has to pay me off? Fat chance but I do like to daydream.

Tuesday 22 January 2008

Rush hour


It’s only Tuesday but it feels like all I’ve done this week is rush. First thing in the morning I rush to get ready and get out on time. Then it’s a rush to the nursery. Rush to the station. Rush to the office, only to be greeted by nonsense requests from all angles. Fight one fire after another. Not have enough time to do everything that needs to get done. Feel I need to work faster, to get more done in less time, to do more, now, yesterday. Rush out of the office again to make it to the nursery before closing. Rush to the station, onto the train and rush [as fast as my little legs will carry me] to the nursery. Rush home. Keep a tired and hungry Peanut happy. Read to her. Sit with her until she sleeps. Eat. Post. Crash. And then all again tomorrow…are you sure I can’t retire yet?

Monday 21 January 2008

De-caffeinated


I read in the news today that women in the first 12 weeks of pregnancy should cut out all caffeine because it increases the risk of miscarriage.


A fantastic recommendation if you know you’re pregnant but seeing as you don't find out for a good few weeks after conception, surely this means you could be consuming caffeine while pregnant without realising?

Doesn’t this therefore also mean anyone trying to get pregnant should cut out all caffeine as well? The last thing you want is your cup of coffee to cause you to lose the baby you didn't yet know you were carrying!

This article published in the Guardian today quotes experts as saying ‘200mg of caffeine a day doubled the risk’ of miscarriage. Which leads me to wonder exactly how much I drink right now.

My research leads me to believe there’s 57mg in a standard mug of instant coffee, 47mg in a cup of tea and 34.5mg in a can of full fat Coke. [There’s 70mg in a Starbuck’s Tall Latte but luckily I don’t drink those anymore].

On an average day I drink:
2 mugs of instant coffee – 114mg
2 cans of full fat coke – 69mg
2 mugs of tea – 94mg
total: 277mg [this excludes chocolate as there’s caffeine in there too!]


As I’m doing my best to conceive Baby Number 2 it seems only right, on day 21 of the New Year, to finally do something about sticking to one of my resolutions. Unfortunately my caffeine withdrawal has left me completely exhausted and incoherent so I have to stop writing and head for my bed. Good night.

Sunday 20 January 2008

Home alone


Husband has been a very busy boy today so I’ve been home alone a lot. Probably a good thing considering I haven’t washed and wouldn’t want to scare anyone by going out in public!


He kick started activities by going out for a mountain bike ride in the very muddy forest with a couple of friends. They returned a few hours later coated up to their eyeballs, requiring a hose down in the garden. One friend made an early exit so I hope he’s ok and wasn’t sick on his way home. I think the conditions were quite extreme so it was probably very tough going for his first time out. I hope it hasn’t put him off doing it again.

The favour was then returned when husband decided he and Peanut would go out for a walk to buy the newspaper, giving me a bit of time to myself. When he came home he confessed to having nearly bought me flowers but thought I wouldn’t approve of him spending the money. It was nice to hear the thought was there though. I must write a post about our money story so you understand where these kind of comments come from. Another day.

Now he’s out again, having taken Peanut to her swimming lesson. Sometimes I go along too but he said I could stay home today and get dinner ready. Not a completely selfless gesture as he’s going out for a quick drink with his brother this evening, to provide him with a shoulder to cry on, and needs to be out of the house by 6.

Therefore my task for this afternoon is to get meat pie and all the trimmings on the table for 5pm. I really should go and put the potatoes on to part boil or they’ll never be roasted in time. But apart from that, the steak pie is ready to rock as I slow cooked the meat last night and the puff pastry is already on.

A year ago I didn’t cook hardly at all [I've never had much interest in food if it’s not high in sugar and bad for me] but for some reason I became interested in being a domestic goddess at the beginning of 2007 and it seems to have stuck. Must be my age catching up with me!

Saturday 19 January 2008

Life is a rollercoaster


I’m afraid I don’t have good news. At 3:40 this morning I used my wee stick and the result came in as a big, fat, negative. After which I snuggled back into bed feeling disappointed and sorry for myself.


Peanut woke early, came into bed with us and we had an hour or so all together. When we finally woke up for the day she was adorable: kisses and cuddles, and in a great mood. It only served to reinforce what I wanted again. I wanted another Peanut. I wanted there to be 4 of us scrambling around the bed, one big happy family. But today that wasn’t to be; that dream will have to keep for a while.

I was very melancholy all morning and was dumbstruck by husband’s lack of sympathy to how I was feeling. He thought I was over-reacting, that I shouldn’t have built my hopes up in the first place. That may be so, but they were already built.

Anyway, by lunch I realised I couldn’t let it get me down all day and put it to the back of my mind. Good job really because shortly after I came to realise there are people having a much rougher day than I am.

Husband’s brother moved out of the home he shares with his long-term girlfriend this afternoon [he’s 38 and is having to stay with his mum]. It’s possibly temporary but nobody really knows right now, apparently they’ve been fighting for a while. I hope they work it out as I don’t want him to have to start over, but I also acknowledge it may be the best thing for him in the long run.

Then, there’s my family thinking my Nan has the early stages of dementia and not knowing what to do about it. And finally, a cousin of my husband is having her new baby tested for Spina Bifida. In light of all this I think the fact my instant conception didn’t happen quite like I hoped is ok, for now.

One good thing to share, our cat seems to be ok. She came off her medication last Monday and so far so good; no significant wobbles at least. She seems to have lived to fight another day. I’m sure, in I don’t know how many days, she’ll relapse but for now she has her 9th life in tact.

Friday 18 January 2008

Teacher, teacher, am I pregnant?


Well, my visit to the school went reasonably well yesterday. I didn’t embarrass myself and I tried my best to appear respectable and ask sensible questions. I wish husband had been there though as the only people on the tour with me were a very upright, church-going, married couple. It’s a church school so I was feeling a little exposed, looking like a single mother at this point. I kept trying to make sure my ring finger was blinking away at them all!


Nothing more can be done now so we just have to wait and see. Apparently they have 4 applications for each spot so competition is tough. And, I’m sure, made even tougher by the fact that the school just got a Grade 1 in its Ofsted Report: ‘outstanding; exceptionally and consistently high’.

And then there’s bubba watch, or my phantom pregnancy, whichever it may be! Still no sign of Aunt Flo so I have my wee stick ready for tomorrow morning.

Tomorrow is day 35 so it could still be considered too early to test. However I found out I was pregnant with Peanut on exactly the same day so I know it’s possible. If negative tomorrow and still no visit from Aunt Flo by day 40, I still think I would test again. After that, who knows what I should do – maybe my cycle has stopped altogether and I have zero chance of conceiving! But let’s not go there.

Right now, I’m 50% hopeful and 50% thinking it’s all in my head. Soon it’ll be time to go to sleep and hopefully I’ll dream sweetly until I wake tomorrow morning…

Thursday 17 January 2008

Twenty questions


Define yourself in 3 words…

Small, anxious, sarcastic.


Eye colour?
Dark brown.


Favourite body part?
Eyes, boobs and feet. Not stomach.


Are you a cat or a dog person?
Dog but I have a cat. Go figure.


Do you eat cold cereal at night?
I wouldn't say no.


What is your favourite television show?
Grey's Anatomy.


What is your favourite food?
Chocolate and pasta [not together].


What is your favourite place?
Home. And then my mum and dad's house.


Where do you want to travel next?
Somewhere hot with white sand and turquoise ocean.


What do you do on Fridays?
'Work from home'.


If you could have one super human power, what would you choose?
After watching Heroes, none of them.


Have you had a beer in the last week?
Nope.


Red or pink?
Pink.


Summer or winter?
Summer.


Flip flops or sandals?
Flip flops.


Scary movies or happy endings?
Happy endings.


Last movie you watched?
Good Will Hunting.


Favourite smells?
Freshly cut grass, rain on a hot pavement, Peanut.


Who was the last person you talked to on the phone?
My husband. To let him know I had left work, ask how Peanut was and discuss what was for dinner.


What is the furthest you have been from home?
Australia. I lived in Sydney for 6 years in my early-twenties; without my family. Maybe I’m braver than I think? Or maybe I used to be.

Wednesday 16 January 2008

Waiting for my school report


First thing tomorrow I'm going on an official visit to Peanut's prospective primary school. She's due to start next January and the headmaster apparently doesn't like any pupil starting whose parents haven't made a prior visit. And yes, this is a state school!


There's no guarantee Peanut will even be accepted as they're over-subscribed and just got the most glowing report from Ofsted. It will come down to numbers, whether you fit into the catchment [yes, but catchment b] and if there are siblings already attending [obviously no].

I was a bit cheeky [read: risky] but on the advice of my in-laws I only put this one school on my application. It's at the top of our road so I will not be amused should she not get in! D-day is April 1st, when I'll receive an email from the local authority advising us of her fate.

I feel like I'm the one that's being inspected tomorrow when it should be the other way around! I'll let you know tomorrow whether I escape unscathed.

p.s. today is day 32 of baby watch and still no sign of negative confirmation. I could of course have the longest natural cycle known to man, or my body could simply be settling into a rhythm after years of preventative drugs. If there's still no sign by Saturday [day 35] I think I'll take a test.

Tuesday 15 January 2008

Party time!


To take my mind off ‘you know what’ I’ve started to think about Peanut’s birthday party and how I can make it lovely. There are so many aspects to think about…


Who to invite?
Even if I limit invitations to the nursery friends she talks about most, I’m already at a dozen. Then you add in their parents, plus our own family, and I start to get scared. Good job we have an enormously long garden!

Did you know Martha Stewart recommends you have one guest for each year of your child’s age? That means I should only have 4 attendees. As much as I love Martha, that’ll never get past Peanut.

Anyway, based on my glass half full assumptions about whether people like me, I will only expect a handful to want to come anyway! Only joking.

Next I start to think about venue [our garden], theme [mostly pink], food for a small army and lastly how to keep everyone amused and happy. Yikes.

Entertaining a tough crowd?
I think a small bouncy castle seems like a good idea. They have a roof should it rain and they don’t need much looking after [well, apart from keeping an eye on whether someone falls out].


And then I thought maybe a face painter would be nice, but who and how much? And would they be as well as or instead of the bouncy castle – after all, am I planning a party or a circus?

Feeding the five thousand?
I don’t know where to begin with food but I’ll stick to only feeding the children otherwise I may need to take out a second mortgage. I also don’t want to serve a load of sugar but we’ll see how much I resist as time ticks away and convenience starts to play a part.


The best bit
That only leaves the creative side of things, the set dressing if you like. Balloons, bunting, fabrics, flowers, cakes, party bags...

I have experience and training in interiors and styling so I love this bit. I really enjoyed preparing for her first birthday party but I have to admit it wasn’t cheap and it can't be the same this year, we’re on an economy drive all the way.


I’m not sure who’s more excited…

Monday 14 January 2008

House of fun


If you’re thinking of paying a visit to my house, think again. At least until the weekend! House of fun we are not.


Husband has felt rubbish for more than 24 hours and is either brewing the Novovirus or Man-Flu.

Peanut has developed a nasty habit of waking up an hour early and being totally exhausted by day’s end [nursery or no nursery]. She was so tired tonight for a while she was inconsolable.

Me? I think I have PMT as I’ve started to get unnecessarily grumpy. This is either a consequence of husband and Peanut’s antics above, or is preliminary evidence I won’t be pregnant this month. Which just makes me sad. And in turn, more grumpy.

Woe is me [us].

Sunday 13 January 2008

About Peanut

Two weeks of rambling have passed since I began this blog and I’ve posted lots about trying to make a baby brother or sister for Peanut [as well as a bunch of trivialities about myself]. So I thought it was about time I wrote some more about Peanut herself.

She is due to turn 4 early this summer and believe me when I tell you she’s counting the days until her birthday when she will “get presents and have a birthday party with all her friends”.

I’ve managed to escape having a children’s party so far [one where her nursery friends are invited]. To date we’ve just had a mini-party for family; this year however is the big one. After this year, there’s no going back. Bouncy castles, face painting, party bags…here we come!

With long curly blonde hair and a dimple on her cheek, she is adorable. One day she may well break hearts but I hope to raise her to show respect to herself and others, have confidence in herself, believe she can do anything and hopefully not be shy like I used to be.

I have no idea if our parenting will lead to all these things; we just take each day as it comes. Right now she loves singing and dancing as much as she loves football and wrestling with her daddy. She puts on play make up and then wears a t-shirt with a pirate skull on it. I want her to be gorgeous and I want her to be cool. I want her to be a girl but I want her to be strong. I want her to be happy.

Saturday 12 January 2008

Counting the days


Husband and I have been trying to make a baby for precisely 24 days; no luck so far but no definite negative yet either. Before we kicked off proceedings I suggested we buy an ovulation testing kit, however at more than £20 we both figured it was an expense we could avoid, especially when we hadn’t given it a go on our own yet.


Last night, when husband came home all loved up [and slightly happy on beer] he announced he reeeeaaaally wants a baby. So much so he wants to try the ovulation thingy too.

This morning, in the cold light of day, we again agreed it would be silly to splurge the cash. At least, not until we are a couple of months down the road without success.

It’s hard to know what’s the right path to follow. I don’t want to throw money down the drain but then I do want to get pregnant. And today would be nice. Will I regret not buying a kit if I’m still not pregnant in six months? Probably. But we’re not under any great time pressure so it wouldn’t really matter if it did take that long. Or so I tell myself.

So anyway, I did some research on the internet this afternoon about the different ways of checking for ovulation. Right now I’m going to stick with plain old maths. Which means next month I’ll have to schedule reward nights with more accuracy - I’m sure husband will be thrilled at the military precision coming his way!

Looking back on dates for this month, there’s a chance we may get lucky but it looks like my parents sleeping in the next room was smack in the middle of our best chance to conceive. Wonder if they realise they were preventing the creation of their 5th grandchild? Only time will tell.

Friday 11 January 2008

Fear factor


Two nice things happened to me today.


First, Peanut and I spent the afternoon at a friend’s house. She’s the mum of a couple of children at nursery with Peanut and she’s lovely. We’re very similar sometimes and I think that’s how we came to be friends in the first place.

Second, I’ve been home alone this evening and have just finished watching one of my favourite films for the first time in years: Good Will Hunting. Not only is Matt Damon cute and vulnerable, but also the dialogue is just lovely. I am total sucker for some of the monologues in this film.

Here are two of my favourite quotes:

‘You’ll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you’re afraid to take the first step because all you’re seeing are the negative things that might happen ten miles down the road.’

‘He pushes people away before they have the chance to leave him. And for twenty years he’s been alone because of that.’

I think the reason I like the dialogue is because of how I relate to it. For as long as I can remember I’ve felt alone, even in a room full of people [sometimes more so in a room full of people]. I don’t know if it began as a conscious choice or if it’s just how I turned out.

I remember being completely shy as a little girl and I think I only ‘grew out of it’ when I started work - an environment where you have to get over it and talk to people or you get nowhere. Underneath my work bravado though remains the same shy little girl. The girl, safe in her own company, who spent hours alone in her room writing about the life she hoped for when she grew up.

While I will now talk to anybody, I still believe people tolerate me rather than want to be with me. That people will move on and leave me. That if I dare to open up, I’ll be let down. Will Hunting refers to it as attachment disorder and fear of abandonment. Maybe that’s true but I like to think underneath it all I’m just a girl who wants to be accepted.

That’s why today was nice. I finally dared to ask someone if they wanted me to visit and they did. I enjoyed having someone to listen to my rambling hopes and dreams and I hope I can equally be there for them.

If I achieve nothing else in 2008 [well, apart from conceiving Baby Number 2] I hope I finally grow up and take care of my friendships.

Thursday 10 January 2008

What goes around comes around


Where I sit at work has a direct view into the glass-walled CEO’s office, and today I witnessed a guy being sacked and escorted from the premises through those very glass walls.


It was exciting to watch, yet also unnerving. If you work somewhere for long enough your colleagues become good friends and the respect you have for being paid to perform a job slowly ebbs away.

Watching the drama unfold today raised my fear of not pleasing people: I would hate to be publicly humiliated like that, I would also hate to do something so wrong it caused me to be perceived a failure.

Silly, silly boy. As my grandmother used to say ‘be sure your sins will find you out'.

Based on my own experiences last year, they sure will, but I’ll save that story for another day.

Wednesday 9 January 2008

Big Girl Rules


Peanut is a few months off turning 4 so she's slowly coming to terms with who's in charge; however about six months ago things were quite different.


She had reached an age back then when she thought she knew everything, and as a result obviously thought she could rule the roost.

Being our first child we've been quite soft on her and had shot ourselves in the foot in a few areas, particularly going to bed, but you live and learn!

Husband and I had reached the end of our tether with her whining and cheekiness so I devised my own set of house rules.

On the whole they've worked a treat. To the point where Mummy and Daddy are put on Time Out if there's something we really really want to watch on TV during dinner [usually a critical game of football]. A hilarious full circle consequence of her new found self-discipline. And yes, we do our time and then apologise!

If you think it's worth a try in your house, please send me an email and I'll send the Big Girl/Boy Rules to you as a pdf.

Tuesday 8 January 2008

Babies, babies, everywhere


It probably has something to do with my age but everyone [and I mean everyone] around me is either pregnant or recently had a baby. My husband’s closest co-worker had a baby only this morning, and four women at work who sit really close have all announced pregnancies in the last month!

I know, I know, we’ve only been trying* to make baby number 2 for the past two and a half weeks but when I want something I don’t like to wait. Also, it only took two months to get pregnant with Peanut so I guess I have high expectations of my own fertility.

*If I’m completely honest, we haven’t been ‘trying’ all that hard this month; not helped by my parents sleeping in the next room for a few nights over the holidays! Must try harder next month [ooh err missus].

Monday 7 January 2008

On her 9th life?


Last week our cat suddenly, out of the blue, couldn't walk straight and kept falling over; much like a drunken tramp.

A visit to the ‘animal doctor’ concluded it could either be an inner ear infection [which would clear up within 24 hours] or a brain tumour/seizure etc [which wouldn’t].

Unfortunately, it didn't clear up the next day. We were still pleasantly surprised by her recovery however; after a couple of days our hope returned and we thought she'd got it licked.

We were wrong. On Saturday night she came over all wobbly again. She seemed reasonable yesterday but I know all logic points to it not being a positive outcome.

She usually annoys me [can't bear the sound of licking] but this past week hasn’t been very nice. I feel terrible for her, she's not in any pain but it's still horrid to watch someone's demise. I also know that all the love and care I’m giving her now is too little too late.

And to top everything, Peanut adores her so I have no idea how to cross that bridge. Cue one very upset little girl. Suggestions on a postcard please.

[Does anyone think this is perhaps why Peanut is having issues right now? It crossed my mind earlier].

Sunday 6 January 2008

A bunch of 9 year olds and a packet of crisps


It’s our nephew’s 9th birthday today and we spent the afternoon at his ten pin bowling party. The partying adults played in their own lane however I still managed to come second to last, only my 60-year-old aunt-in-law got a lower score then I did and she hasn’t bowled for 20 years! I resisted putting up the sidebars for fear of being humiliated further but I think I’ll stick to the Wii in future.

Fall Over
Funniest part of the afternoon was seeing my mother-in-law chase her grandson/our 2-year-old nephew down the bowling lane, falling flat on her backside when she ran beyond the line of no return. I know you shouldn’t laugh at other people’s misfortune but it was funny.

Grumpy Mummy
Late in the afternoon I got the grumps temporarily when I spotted Peanut eating crisps. I know kids will be kids and she’s not barred from eating them or anything like that, it’s just that it was the second day in a row crappy food was being provided in the hour or so before her dinner [we spent yesterday afternoon with MIL as well].

Last night she didn’t eat her meal so I was damned if it was going to happen twice. MIL said I couldn’t blame the crisps for her not eating dinner yesterday. Which just made me feel like I didn’t know what was best for my own daughter, which in turn made me feel about two years old. I know she didn’t mean any harm, and I do love her to bits really, but sometimes I wonder when I’ll be taken seriously or if my opinions will always be dismissed!

P.S.
Question for any parents/paediatricians reading this…Peanut is currently keeping her number 2’s to herself for fear they will hurt her. The longer she goes the more agitated and distressed she gets but no amount of ignoring the situation, persuasion, bribery, telling off is enough to make her want to go.

When she eventually does go it never hurts as she had anticipated so she’s freaking out about something that doesn’t even come true.

This is the 3rd time this week she’s pulled this trick so any advice would be appreciated. Do you think it’s a coincidence it ties in with me going back to work? A cry for attention perhaps, reminding me she’s still my baby who needs lots of cuddles? A silly theory I’m sure but I’m clutching at straws.

Saturday 5 January 2008

Over for another year


Our very real, very 9ft, Christmas tree has finally had its pretty ornaments removed and been dragged by its hind legs outside.

While I’m not going to miss clearing up the needles it had the audacity to drop on the carpet, I am going to miss how cosy it made everything feel. I also liked how it made our window the most festive in the street [not that I’m competitive, well maybe just a little].

With 300 twinkly white lights and a grown up gold and white colour scheme it was a little bit Martha Stewart as well. Or so I thought. Having watched 'Elf' on near permanent loop recently [Sky+ rocks] Peanut has asked a couple of times where the rest of our decorations are. Thanks to Buddy I think next year I’m going to have to make some pretty white paper chains as well.

I’m not sure where our tree will end up; all I know is the council collect it. I don’t like to think of it heading to the chipper so probably best not to contemplate the after life.

Having said that, if the chipper means recycling I’m all for it.

Friday 4 January 2008

Thank goodness it's Friday...?


I 'work from home' on Fridays, and Peanut stays home too. It save us one day of nursery fees each week; every little helps with resolution number 6!

On an ordinary Friday I stick close to the laptop in the morning in case issues arise and then, as it gets towards mid afternoon, I begin to feel better about heading out of the house [confident I’m not as indispensable as I imagine and it’s safe to venture out without being missed].

Unfortunately Peanut remained under the weather today so we didn’t get out. At all. We didn’t even venture out of the lounge all that much. To say I had cabin fever by the time my husband came home from work just wouldn’t be going far enough!

Peanut was my shadow all day, wanting cuddles and to sit on my knee every five minutes. Which in some ways is gorgeous but in other ways is quite draining as you just don’t get to move or take care of anything else you need to.


Anyway, out of the blue, Peanut made a 300% recovery at about 5pm so I’m not sure if she’s playing me for a fool in retaliation for putting her back in nursery? Let’s see what tomorrow brings…

Thursday 3 January 2008

Emergency call out


Got a call from Peanut's nursery at 3:30 this afternoon asking me to collect her early as she wasn't well: apparently a tummy bug has been going around and it's only day two of term. Yay!

I quickly shut down my computer and headed straight out of the office, thankfully not too crazy busy yet for it to matter. Or at least, not that bothered yet to care.

She fell asleep in the car home and was quite tearful and upset for most of the evening. Big improvement after she'd had some toast and watched Elf for the six-zillionth time though!

Anyhow, Peanut's now asleep and husband is playing Wii Sports so he's happy too. All is good, though I need a cup of tea and a hit of sugar. I wonder if it’s snowing outside…

Dullsville


Second day at work after a long break. What more can I say?


This marketing lark is rubbish really yet everyone behaves like its life or death. Who really cares whether we mail in a biodegradable polywrap or paper outer? I’m sure the person who receives our ‘junk’ doesn’t give two hoots.

I miss Peanut; I miss being at home and taking care of her and taking care of our life. Here all I get to do is take care of other peoples ‘stuff’, none of which is greatly important in the grand scheme of things.

Oh how I wish I could quit my job. Not because I hate it, don’t get me wrong, I’m quite good at what I do and respected for doing it well. Just that if I had my way I’d not have to do it at all.

If only I hadn’t bought all that designer crap in my 20s maybe I would be able to afford to. Talk about shooting myself in the foot.

I’m sure this time next week I’ll be back in the swing of things and getting on with it. Right now I’m yearning for my resolutions/wishes to come true.

Wednesday 2 January 2008

Hi ho, hi ho, it's off to work I go


Whoopdedoo, today is my first day at work for 18 whole days and I just know it’s going to be horrid.


It's all my own undoing though: my employer closed for Christmas/New Year and I booked off the preceding week, giving Peanut and I the longest stretch of time together since I was on maternity leave over 3 years ago.

Ordinarily our daily grind goes something like this, just as it will this morning:

5:30 husband and I crawl out of bed though we’re usually too comatose for proper conversation at this hour.
6:15 husband leaves for work.
6:45 wake up Peanut.
6:45-7:45 convince Peanut she really does want to eat breakfast/get dressed so we’re not late, interspersed with making myself look halfway decent.
8:00 drive to nursery [we should really leave at 7:50 but we’re usually running a bit late].
8:15 drop Peanut at nursery to start her 10-hour stint.
8:30 wait for the silly tube train to take me into central London - this method of transport has a nasty habit of sucking 15 minutes out of my day, making me later than my childcare run already does.
9:30 arrive at work, usually half an hour after my official start time, hoping after 2 and a half years of the same tardiness I’ll continue to get away with it.

If I’m picking up Peanut, which I do at least two out of four days, I leave the office by 17:00. More often than not I’m running to the station in order to make it to the nursery by closing at 18:00. Peanut is usually one of the last to be collected: first in, last out. Sometimes it breaks my heart.

Contractually I should finish at 17:30 so all in all I don’t really deliver on my hours; I like to think I make it up by working late into the evening on days when I don’t have to rush off though. On those days I don’t make it home before Peanut’s bedtime so I never quite manage to make everyone happy, including myself.

Who was it that said you could have it all? As if I want it all anyway, I’d settle for just the bit I want right now.

Tuesday 1 January 2008

I resolve to...


1. Sustain this blog.

2. Stop eating so much chocolate!
3. Stop drinking so much full fat Coke!
4. Exercise, even if just a little bit. My husband is after all an athlete.
5. Find ways to make money from my natural, but thus far unexplored, talents.
6. Pay off my last personal loan two years early, thereby increasing my chances of achieving resolutions 8 and 9!
7. Get pregnant with baby number 2; hopefully a boy for my husband but another girl would be nice too.
8. Go on maternity leave and be able to afford to not go back to work full time, woohoo!
9. Drop off and pick up Peanut from primary school when she starts this time next year, without having to pay someone to do it for me.

I’m not sure if this is a list of resolutions or just a bunch of things I wish I could achieve. I’m hoping my writing them here either makes me more accountable, or more lucky...

Getting to know me


Hello again, and Happy New Year!


It’s the first day of 2008 so there’s no better day to invite the world into my little corner than today. Start as you mean to go on I say!

I’m your average early-thirty-something married woman with a small daughter, living in the south of England. I work in publishing but wish I had the financial freedom to stay home and bake cakes with her.

Here are some other random things about me to break the ice:

My husband is an athlete.
My daughter is amazing.
I really love my mum and dad, they rock.
I have an older brother though we’re not especially close.
I have a cat, she can be annoying but I wouldn’t want her to leave.
Ssshhh, don’t tell anyone, but beneath my all-around-the-world accent I was born in Wales.
I don’t play so well with others, I try but I always worry they don’t really like me.
My favourite movie is 'Good Will Hunting'. Like Will, I also worry the people I love will leave me.
I’m a really fussy eater.
I have an insatiably sweet tooth – savoury must be followed by sweet, it’s a life rule.
I love my sleep, always have. My doctor has tried to find a medical reason for my tiredness but there doesn’t seem to be one.
I have a tendency to be lazy but don’t tolerate it in others too well.
I’m shamefully unfit but still weigh 8 stone. Bitch.
I get too many headaches.
I don’t tan, I barely even freckle. I love being golden but it’s such hard work.
I’m only 5ft 1 so I really should wear heels but I just can’t, they hurt. Ballet pumps, Converse and Uggs rule the day.
I’m a secret fan of pop music [my husband hates this thing about me].
My first love was Matt Goss, my second was Jordan Knight.
I wish my husband would learn to dance with me, I’m not sure he realises how sexy it is.
I wish I could sing.
As of last week, we’re actively trying to make baby number 2. Wish us luck.

A.