‘You’ll never have that kind of relationship in a world where you’re afraid to take the first step because all you’re seeing are the negative things that might happen ten miles down the road’.
A few weeks ago I posted about how rubbish I am at beginning friendships, and even more rubbish at maintaining them. I am totally rubbish at it.
Partly because I think people won’t like me, find me interesting or find me good to be around. So instead of waiting to be rejected, more often than not I don’t put myself in a position where I could be.
Similar feelings of paranoia crept into my head today. The same friend I so enjoyed spending the afternoon with a few weeks back came round to my house today. It was her first ever visit in the two-plus years I’ve known her so I felt a bit like I was revealing my whole self.
I was totally looking forward to her visit, though with slight trepidation as our house was not just untidy, but downright filthy!
In preparation, I scrubbed the mould in our bathroom with bleach to try to make it disappear and tidied everywhere else to within an inch of its life. Partly because it just needed it anyway, partly to make sure my friend didn’t run a mile.
While my house is very white, it is quite used to having all sorts of crap spilled over it and being completely messy. So while all my efforts today may have presented its ‘best side’ to the world, I fear I may have overdone it slightly.
I hope my best intentions didn’t make her feel uncomfortable, if they did I can only apologise. I just wanted her to like my house and not think I’m dirty and disorganised.
Why do I beat myself up like this? Why do I think too much? Why do I try too hard? If my other recent post is anything to go by, hopefully she didn’t mind what my very small, very inadequate dwelling is like. I also hope my fondness for ‘pretty things’ didn’t make me look like a superficial idiot.
My friend rocks, I just hope she had a nice time. Next time I promise to listen to her full back-story, talk a lot less and not tidy up as much.
Friday 8 February 2008
Trying too hard
7 comments:
It's hard, isn't it? To relax enough to let people see the real you, and like you (or not) for what you are?
We see our homes as a reflection of ourselves. We want to put the best face on those homes, so that they will reflect well upon us. Ironically, once we've done that, we show our homes to others and all *we* can see are the flaws. It doesn't matter that the other person can't see those flaws - we know we're there and we dwell upon them. If only we could see through the eyes of the other person...
Girl, a real friend, a worthy friend - won't care 'bout the cleaning! I always clean when Mr. Lady (Whiskey In My Sippy Cup) comes over and she doesn't even notice. The only person who notices is me! It should just be about the chatting...except what Lattemommy said is sort of true also. Lattemommy is coming to my house too though...I'm gonna need to clean now :P
Relax? Not sure I know how, something I definitely inherited from my mother!
You guys all live so close, you're lucky in that way. It'd be fun to listen to hip hop and compare dirt while drinking a latte from Adam.
You my dear need to take a chill pill. I am sure that your friend didn't notice a thing she was probably to busy dealing with her own demons like "Please God don't let my kids wreck this immaculate house".
It is tragic that we spend all our growing up years learning how to act so people will like us and all our adult years trying not to give a damn - its exhausting.
I sure your friend had a great time after all she rocks!!!
If someone doesn't like you because of the state of your house are they worth being your friend? I have a friend who has a messy house, but I still love her dearly and don't judge her based on her house cleanliness, i understand that she has two small boys and a husband who doesn't know how to clean up after himself. and i know, easier said then done, i am a people pleaser myself.
If there were such thing as a chill pill [that's not an illegal drug!] I would no doubt be advised to take one. My mum is far worse than me so I only hope it's not an anxiety that progresses with age! Silly thing is I know how much it totally doesn't matter as my earlier posts about visiting other peoples houses testify. It's silly but sometimes you just can't help yourself! x
Huckdoll - Ironically, I worry like crazy about what my own house looks like, but I couldn't care less about anyone else's! When I come to your house (and trust me, I'm coming for sure!) I'll just be so glad to meet my blogging friends in person that I'll only have eyes for you and Mr. Lady!
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